i'm back. kind of.

my camera broke. i really would like a real camera. but being in college and being poor = no new camera.

what's new? i get this a lot. what is new? nothing, really.

i feel like i'm writing this at one specific person. and i don't want to, because i've been fighting so hard to keep you as far as possible. i hate that i can still see a human being in you when the picture i've created in my mind of you is something far, far from it. but still. i wonder how you are, what you're doing daily, what your life is like. is that wrong of me? i don't want to know if you're okay, i just want to know what you are. it's beyond ridiculous of me to even THINK about you, but i still wonder.

other things are monotonous all around. i feel like there's this void in my her that i can't fill myself. and i can't bring it up because she doesn't get the workings of my mind like i do. its like i keep giving giving giving and i don't feel like it's balanced. i'm agape, she's something else. the opposite, more or less. she really wants a baby, badly. i do want a baby. but i feel like this baby is just an excuse for something. what is that something? i have no idea.

i wish i could create more. to escape. paint, i would love to paint. or take pictures again.